


Surprise Party

by kyrrann



Series: Black Book Drabbles [1]
Category: Black Books
Genre: Birthday, Birthday Presents, Cigarettes, Comedy, Gen, Humor, Silly, Surprise Party, Wine, party hats
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-12
Updated: 2017-01-12
Packaged: 2018-09-16 23:41:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9294839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyrrann/pseuds/kyrrann
Summary: It's Manny's birthday and Fran wants to throw him a surprise party.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [I_Write_Tragedies_Not_Sins](https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_Write_Tragedies_Not_Sins/gifts).



Bernard Black slammed the door behind his only two customers of the day. “And stay out! I’ll have none of that _Fifty Shades of Crap_ in this shop!” He made his was back to his desk, plopped down into his chair and began to rummage through his desk looking for cigarettes and, if he was lucky, an unfinished bottle of liquor.

A most annoying sound assaulted his ears and he looked up to see his long haired assistant, Manny, dusting a bookshelf and singing quietly to himself. “Happy birthday to me. I like to drink tea. I’m a great person. This job is crappy!”

“What are you going on about?” Bernard asked from his chair at the back of the shop. “It’s 3pm. No one should be that cheerful so early in the day.”

Manny turned to look at him, a large smile plastered on his face. “It’s my birthday today.  Aren’t you excited? I know I am.”

Bernard found a cigarette in his top drawer, shoved the end into his mouth and lit it. “Why are you so excited to celebrate the day some woman shoved you out of her lady bits?”

“Actually, I was born by caesarean. Want to see my scar?” Manny asked, lifting up his shirt.

Bernard shook his head in confusion. “But why would you have a scar from…, oh for the love of god, please put your shirt down.”

Manny looked disappointed and lowered his shirt. Walking over to stand next to Bernard’s desk, he asked, “So, what did you buy me for my birthday? I’m sure it’s something really nice.”

Bernard’s lit cigarette fell from his mouth and into a jumbled pile of paper on his desk. “Um, well you see...that…right...” Taken aback by the question, he began to rummage through his desk in search of some piece of rubbish he could give to Manny.

Smoke began to rise as the paper on his desk caught on fire.

“Um, Bernard?” Manny called out, panic in his voice.  "Bernard!"

Bernard looked up. “Look, do you want your present or … holy mother of god it's a fire.” He jumped out of his chair, took off his shoe and started to attack the flames.

“I’ll get some water!” Manny shouted as he disappeared behind the curtain at the back of the store. Moments later, he emerged with a tall glass and quickly doused the fire.

“Where did you get that?” Bernard inquired, taking the glass from Manny and inspecting it.

“From the tap in the kitchen,” Manny explained matter-of-factly. “You know, where we keep things like that.”

Bernard eyed him suspiciously and pulled back the curtain to peer into the kitchen. “I didn’t know we had water.”

“Sure. I have a glass of water every morning at breakfast,” Manny said proudly, putting his hands on his hips.

“Don’t be daft. Only thing water is good for is flushing toilets and making noodles.” He plopped back down in his chair and pounded his fists on his waterlogged desk, making Manny jump. “I want noodles!”

Manny stared at him in silence for a few moments and then clasped his hands in front of him. “So, where’s my present?”

“Um, so sorry…it, um...” Bernard picked up a charred piece of paper from his desk and held up. “It burned.”  Manny reached out for the paper, but Bernard snatched it away.

“It burned?” he asked.

“Yes, that it! Totally burnt!” Bernard assured him as be pushed Manny towards the exit. “So sorry. Better luck next year!” With one final shove, Manny was outside and Bernard slammed the door behind him.

“Stupid birthdays,” he grumbled. Looking up he could see Manny’s face staring at him through the window in the door, like a sad, little puppy dog. Bernard groaned and ripped open the door. “What is it?”

Manny raised and eyebrow. “I … work here?”

“New rule,” Bernard exclaimed. “There is no working on birthdays. Go home!”

Manny beamed with joy. “Oh, that’s very kind of you, Bernard, but I live here…”

Bernard slammed the door shut again and retreated to his couch. He laid down and put his hands behind his head. “Oh yes, this is much better. I wonder how many birthdays he has in a year?  I could use some more days off.”

He closed his eyes and started to slumber when the door to the bookshop flew open and slender woman with short brown hair walked in.

“Bernard,” she called. “There you are. Look at this mess! You were supposed to have this place tidied up.”

Bernard didn’t open his eyes. “Fran, I think you have the wrong book shop. Now go away unless you have some wine. And if you do have wine, hand it to me and then go away.”

Fran walked over to the couch and whacked him on the head. “Bernard, have you forgotten? It’s Manny’s birthday.”

Bernard opened one eye. “Of course I know it’s Manny’s birthday. As you can see, I gave myself the day off. So if you don’t mind.” He waved his hand in the direction of the exit.

Fran grabbed his arm and tried to pull him off the couch. “You agreed to help me throw a surprise party, remember?”

“Well no,” Bernard admitted, pulling back against Fran in an effort to stay on the couch. “Although I guess you could say the surprise is that I said I would help.”

Fran gave final yank, at last pulling him from his seat. “Now get up. We have to get this place decorated.”

“No.”

Fran narrowed her eyes at him and crossed her arms in front of her chest. “Bernard.”

“But I don’t want to,” he protested, looking down at the ground and pouting.

“Manny is our friend,” Fran explained, her voice stern. “And we are going to give him this surprise party whether you want to or not.”

Bernard shuffled his feet. “Will there at least be alcohol at this party of ours?”

Fran smiled and reached into a bag on the floor and pulled out two brand new bottles of wine. “Of course.”

Bernard reached out to grab them, but Fran pulled them away at the last second. “No you don’t! Not until you put on your party hat.” Fran produced a party hat out of the same bag and stuck it on Bernard’s head.

“Fine!” he stuck out his tongue at her. “But I draw the line on the crepe paper noise….blower….things.”

Ignoring him completely, she shoved a party blower in his mouth. “Now, you did invite everyone on the guest list, right Bernard?”

Bernard opened his mouth, dropping the party blower on the ground. The door to the shop opened and he ran over to grab the two customers who entered. “Of course I did. And here they are now. These are, uh, Manny’s best friends….um...Nigel and er, Margaret.”

The man looked at Bernard. “I think you have mistaken us for someone else. My name is…”

“Nigel and Margaret!’ Bernard yelled, interrupting them. He reached over to grab two party blowers from Fran’s hand and stuffed one into each of their mouths. Looking back over at Fran he said. “There, we have guests. Pour the wine!”

“Once the party starts,” Fran assured him, stuffing his party blower into his mouth once again. “I saw Manny outside when I came in. Why don’t you all hide and I’ll go and fetch him.”

Bernard grumbled and went to sit at his desk. He lit another cigarette and stuck it in his mouth, not bothering to remove the blower. The couple just stood there, not knowing how to react.

Moments later Fran and Manny entered the room. “Surprise!” she yelled, throwing up her hands.

“Yeah, yeah...surprise.” Bernard uttered under his breath.

“Surprise?” the customers echoed halfheartedly.

Manny’s eyes grew huge and he covered his cheeks with the palms of his hands. “Oh wow! Is this for me? I’m so honored. Thank you.”

He walked up to the couple. “Thank you for coming to my party. Do I know you?”

Bernard jumped up. “Of course you do, Manny. These are your good friends, er, Gerald and Sophie. Yes, that's right.”

The woman piped up “But I thought our names were Nigel and …”

“Gerald and Sophie!!” Bernard interrupted her. “They came all the way from Umber...laughing...ton...ville to see you. But now they must go. Say goodbye.”

“Oh, okay,” Manny said, disappointment in his voice. “I’m glad you could come anyway.”

Bernard began to push them out the door. The man waved sheepishly and muttered. “Thank you for a nice time. Goodbye.”

“Wait!” yelled Manny. “You came all this way. You can’t leave empty handed.”

He looked around and spotted the bag with the two wine bottles in it sitting on the floor. He picked it up and handed the bag to the man. “Here you go! It was good to see you again. Have a nice drive home.”

Bernard slammed the door behind them, ripped off the party hat and rubbed his hands together. “Okay then, the wine!”

“Good idea.” Fran looked to the ground. “The bag. It was here just a moment ago. It had the wine.”

“It’s gotta be around here somewhere,” Bernard insisted, frantically searching for the bag.

Manny put his hands behind his back and began to whistle as he shuffled closer to the door.

Bernard stopped his search as the truth dawned on him. He turned towards his assistant and glared. “Manny, where has the wine gone?”

Manny beamed a guilty smile. “Um, thank you for the party! I’ve got to go now.” Manny ran out and slammed the door in Bernard’s face.


End file.
